We don’t want to dawdle with this subject so let’s dive right in.
Take a couple minutes to read these verses from Psalm 139; then close your eyes and allow the significance of this declaration to settle over and squoosh into you.
O Lord, You have searched me and known me.
2 You know my sitting down and my rising up;
You understand my thought afar off.
3 You comprehend my path and my lying down,
and are acquainted with all my ways.
4 For there is not a word on my tongue,
but behold, O Lord, You know it altogether.
5 You have hedged me behind and before,
and laid Your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
it is high, I cannot attain it.
7 Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?
8 If I ascend into heaven, You are there;
if I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there.
9 If I take the wings of the morning,
and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
10 even there Your hand shall lead me,
and Your right hand shall hold me.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness shall fall on me,”
even the night shall be light about me;
12 indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You,
but the night shines as the day;
the darkness and the light are both alike to You.
13 For You formed my inward parts;
You covered me in my mother’s womb.
14 I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
marvelous are Your works,
and that my soul knows very well.
15 My frame was not hidden from You,
when I was made in secret,
and skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.
And in Your book they all were written,
the days fashioned for me,
when as yet there were none of them.
17 How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
How great is the sum of them!
18 If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand;
when I awake, I am still with You.
I’ve been spending time with this Psalm the last little while. Honestly, it’s been a years-long journey of pushing back, skipping over, ignoring, and/or denying all the lovely words. As much as I appreciated David’s honest expression and cheered him from my reader’s stadium seat—Good for you, David; that’s awesome!—there was a malfunction in my heart-receiver that kept me from taking it personally. That malfunction is also known by its more common names—guilt, shame, unworthiness, sorrow, regret…lies.
On a few attempts, I could stumble through to verse 13 but verse 14 would halt me every time, malfunction flashing neon red. It just isn’t true for me; I am not wonderfully made (that’s ridiculous); I am not a “marvelous work” of His; my soul absolutely knows no such thing! I know me and this ain’t it. In my opinion, this passage had to be all or none; it was clearly not all so I would abandon it altogether in an aggravated huff.
Who is David writing to here? God.
All this searching, knowing, protecting, always-presence, forming, covering, marvelous-making, seeing in secret, documenting in a heavenly book, thinking precious thoughts beyond counting, never leaving, never forsaking… he’s recording what God is revealing to him; this is Who I Am and My actions and intimate knowing of you.
A revealing of these same words to us too. And if God knows, then Jesus knows.
Jesus once counseled a rich young ruler about how to find life and true treasure—Lay down what you’re holding on to and come, follow me. Sadly, the young man walked away from this in-person invitation.
Judas, one of Jesus chosen twelve inner-circle, betrayed Him, selling Him out for some measly silver coins.
When Jesus began the last hours of laying down His life, Barabbas, a thief and murderer, was set free from the charges against him; Jesus chose to stay with the ones against Himself.
There were also those who beat Him, mocked Him, gambled for His clothing, smashed a crown of thorns into His head, and hammered Him to His cross.
Two guilty thieves hung on either side of Him on that dark hill.
In His darkest and loneliest hours, vulnerable in every way, without defense or protest, unspeakable pain and anguish (on the inside and the outside), suffering and suffocating, Jesus was declaring His knowing the truth of Psalm 139 about every single one of the abusers, betrayers, mockers, crucifiers, thorn-smashers, and walk-awayers.
Even these… who dissed Him in the most despicable and undeserved ways.
What He knew of them, that recording in Psalm 139 long long before these moments, was why He said with His hands and feet and heart, It’s ok; I know them, I still want to do this.
Has someone abused you?
Have you made terrible choices, for yourself or others?
Have you ever been disobedient?
Have you turned your back on God?
Have you abused yourself in any way?
Have you lied, or stolen, or hurt someone on purpose?
Have you cussed at a family member or acted like a jerk while driving?
Have you betrayed someone who thought they could trust you?
Have you given up or walked away or denied someone who counted on you?
Have you done much more or much worse?
Has the weight or hurt of words or actions resulted in a malfunction of your heart?
Is the guilt and shame, sorrow, regret, and unforgiveness keeping you from believing that God’s words and Jesus sacrifice are true for you, no matter what your life has been or ever will be? Those are lies to keep you away, to keep you distant from the personal relationship Jesus paid so dearly to have with you. Jesus died because He knew the sin nature that causes us to experience these regrettable things in life would stand between Him and us and He loves us too much to allow that to remain; He does not want eternity without us. Fully knowing the deepest parts of us, He made a fully informed choice… It’s ok; I know her, I know him, I still want to do this.
He loves us, just as we are, and simply asks that we allow the cleansing, healing, forgiveness, and rescue His laid-down life gives to us, to take hold of that which has taken hold of us. If who Jesus gave His love and life for included those who abused and betrayed Him, why would it not be for you too? We’re all subject to the sin nature of the world and we all fall short of getting close to His glory, so Jesus gave His all to annihilate this curse over us.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high, I cannot attain it.
I didn’t realize that the words of this Psalm were a part of the answer to the heart malfunction I was experiencing, how they were woven together into the fabric of Jesus sacrifice. I couldn’t bear to face all the things of me that caused such sorrow, especially while facing Him. But it also feels like a terrible insult to Him for the truth that was written to us—that we are fully known and fully sacrificed for—if I don’t agree with what He’s said. Why should shame and guilt and unworthiness have any say-so over the blood that Jesus poured over me?
There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit. ~Romans 8:1
I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; marvelous are Your works, and that my soul knows very well. My forgiven, healed, redeemed, and rescued soul.
Dear God, You know the struggles of doubt and self-worth and the blame game that plays so often within me. I’m sorry… it doesn’t feel right when it’s going on… because it isn’t right. But Your knowing of me as written in this Psalm? Help me receive that, like I would if You were looking me right in the eye, Your hand gently cupping my chin, tilting my face upward to Your gaze, hearing Your voice say the words. And Jesus getting lower than the lowest any lies have ever told me and dying there to cover everything? Thank You, thank You! I do love You. Keep showing me how to walk as a gracious receiver of the uncondemned and fully forgiven life that I have in Your Christ, my Christ. In Jesus name…
*
image by diana vargas on unsplash